We Must Have Rainbow Snow!

Here at Lee in the Mountains, our progressive enlightened critics often accuse us of racism, bigotry, intolerance, xenophobia, hate—and all the other things they commonly call the folks they hate. But just to show that we can be broad-minded too, we’ve decided to run a column by one of the opposition. Her name is Dr. Ima Daike, a Ph.D. graduate of Vassar in Multicultural Mass Communications. Dr. Daike, a transgender, biracial, bisexual, bi-polar Jewish Hottentot, is highly respected in the field of social commentary. Her article follows:

We Must Have Rainbow Snow!

By Dr. Ima Daike

During the recent heavy snowfalls across Amerika, I found myself, like many other progressive people, enjoying the vistas of snow outside my window. But quickly the pangs of social conscience stirred my spirit. Looking out over those seemingly endless fields of white, I knew in my heart that this spectacle can convey only one thing—white dominance. Snowfall, as we know it, is an expression of white supremacy.

Just think of it, young children witnessing this spectacle of white covering everything. Imaging the false consciousness that scars them as they build snow persons, all of whom turn out white!

How can we all escape this precipitative bigotry? Certainly we must choose radical means. To begin with, we most launch a national meterorological initiative to perfect the technology of snow cloud seeding—so that all snowfall will reflect the colors of multicultural diversity. Once set up, it would work as follows: When snowfall threatens, we would immediately dispatch an armada of aircraft to fly over the snow clouds and seed them with dyes of color. Thus when the snow lands it will create a checkerboard of colors on the landscape, thereby obliterating oppressive whiteness. For the socially conscious people, rainbow snow is the only way to go!

Now of course we hear reactionary suggestions that this proposal runs against nature and that white snow is “natural.” They will even claim “it’s the way God created it.” This, of course, is what the enemies of progress always say when defending their privileges. As enlightened progressives, we must affirm that nature and God are nothing more than concepts of oppression. Nature and reality are whatever we say they are and what we want them to be. Who needs God, when we can do the job?!

But we cannot stop with cloud seeding for future storms. We must also deal with the enduring legacy of “Jim Crow snow” in places like Antarctica and the North Pole, where, for countless ages, whiteness has reigned unchallenged. The task of affirmative action we must undertake is to paint these ice masses over in black, brown, red or yellow. Nothing less will end the white privilege enjoyed by a millennia of previous snowfalls.

Then we might contemplate other improvement on so-called “nature.” At a minimum, on the newly colored North Pole ice, we must end the segregation and unearned status of the white bigot “polar bears.” No longer will we allow them to exclude their black and brown brothers from feeding at the table of whale and walrus blubberhood.

Of course, all of these initiatives will be expensive, but the cause of social and environmental justice is worth any price the taxpayers will have to pay. No more Jim Crow snow! Let’s envision a world where flakes of all colors can live together in peace and harmony!